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God Hates Figs

Smoke Pot, Get Paid

Very Heavy Pot Use Clouds Mental Function

People who smoked unusually large amounts of marijuana performed worse on tests of mental function than their peers who smoked less pot, even after a 30-day abstinence period, according to a new report.

Lead author Dr. Karen Bolla characterized the study group as being "unusual" because of the large number of joints they smoked per week. Heavy users smoked on average 91 joints a week, or about 13 a day, while light smokers smoked an average of 11 marijuana cigarettes a week.

According to Dr. Pope, people who smoke a lot of marijuana and start earlier will do worse on tests of mental function. Whether the toxicity of the drug itself is responsible, or factors like being in school less and being unfamiliar with testing or being more impaired initially and turning to pot for that reason, is difficult to know, he added.

More useless medical studies. I cannot believe people get paid to figure this out. There is no such thing as a high functioning stoner, especially if you are smoking 13 fucking joints a day!. The "Wake and Bake" folks will forever be working in fotomat booths, not curing cancer.

Now I am not saying that a pothead can't discover the cure for cancer, it is just that they would forget to write it down.

Stupid Mason Tricks

The DeMoulin Bros Fraternal Supply Catalog from the 1930's showcase the finest tricks to play on your compatriots.

Dozens of years before Cruel Tricks For Dear Friends, these pranksters offer an electric chair, a pledge altar that sprays water and a blarney stone routine that involves a "negro dame."

Hours of fun to be had at this site. Link originally obtained on boingboing.net.

Those wacky Japanese - Part V

Some sort of Hospital

I think they treat the seizures you will get after you look at their site.

via Daily Jive


Half of this week's Onion is old stories.

I am not amused. Except by the menstruation euphamisms. Those were funny.


Rak Maram, a 36-year-old Thai mahout, or elephant trainer, demonstrates her close relationship with a two-year-old female elephant named Benjama by placing her head in the animal's mouth and kissing its tongue, at an elephant training camp 80 km (50 miles) north of Bangkok, November 25, 2002. Rak has worked with Benjama since the elephant was born. (Reuters)

Another Dumbass

This post is for the person who searched for "how to get high from marijuana."

You smoke it. You can eat it, if you have enough.

I suspect you are shoving it up your ass and wondering why it isn't working.

Strange bedfellows

Defeated G.O.P. Congressman to Be Consultant for A.C.L.U.

The American Civil Liberties Union has agreed in principle to hire Representative Bob Barr, a Georgia Republican and one of the most conservative members of Congress, as a consultant to work on privacy, surveillance and national security issues.

They are also going to hire Dick Armey.

With the democrats practically knocking themselves over to kiss the administration's ass, it is good, yet slightly disturbing, to know that some hardcore republicans will probably be the ones to keep America free.

Subluxation, my ass

I recently received an email informing me that I am not too flattering towards chiropractors. Damn straight. I don't like the bastards. I think they prey on those in pain. One of them nearly paralyzed me. Hanging's too good for them, I say.

Now, having said that, I know several people, including those in my own family, who do not feel this way. They do not have major physical problems and the manipulations practiced upon them act as a palliative. As long as they show up every week, they feel good. More power to them.

I just read a great article about chiropractic. It covers it's rather dubious beginnings up through today. It actually has some good to say about this black art.

If you have ever visited a chiropractor, or are considering it, please read that article. Then read this one. Then go to the official chiro site.

I did everything wrong when I hurt my back. Do your research before you let anyone do anything to your spine.


A Humboldt Park man died Thursday of burns suffered when his clothes caught fire while he was pumping gas with a lit cigarette.

1) Darwin was right. I am glad this idiot will not be breeding anymore. Any spawn he has had should be thoroughly evaluated.

2) Two bucks says his relatives sue.

Wrong Trousers

Hot laptop burns scientist's penis

The previously healthy father of two remembered feeling a burning sensation after he had been writing a report at home for about an hour with the computer on his lap.

...the computer manual did warn against operating it directly on exposed skin but said the patient had lap burns even though he had been wearing trousers and underpants.

Technically, he suffered damage to his scrotal area, but close enough to use the word penis. The headline 'Hot Laptop Burns Scientist's Sack' probably wouldn't have made it into print.

He should have used a laptop desk.

More Evel Knievel

Continuing the search for my long lost youth, I found a site that has ads for all of the toys I used to have, including the Evel Knievel Daredevil Stunt Cycle and the Tonka Construction Vehicles.


Longing for the old days?

These guys are on drugs

I use the tagline, "I am all hopped up on goofballs." You can see it on the bottom of this page. I took it from an old Dragnet episode. The Simpsons later used it as well. I like it. It's funny. And for the better part of a year, I was on heavy painkillers, so I can relate.

According to the Office of National Drug Control Policy, a "Golf ball" is Crack Cocaine. "Golf balls" are Depressants and Goofballs are "Cocaine mixed with heroin; depressants."

I am by no means an expert at all of this, but I don't see how cocaine can be classified as a depressant. It is like they got lazy. Let's just make Goofballs/Golfballs the depressants and call the other thing a speedball.

But they can't even agree on what a freakin' speedball is for heaven's sake.

From their page:

Speedball - Cocaine mixed with heroin; crack and heroin smoked together; methylphenidate (ritalin) mixed with heroin; amphetamine

Speedballing - To shoot up or smoke a mixture of cocaine and heroin; ecstasy mixed with ketamine; the simultaneous use of a stimulant with a depressant

Speedballs-nose-style - The practice of snorting cocaine

The correct definition is the middle one. The first one seems to indicate that a speedball can consist solely of amphetamine. That is just crazy.

And "Nose-style"???? Someone is definately messing with the White House on this one.

Actually most of them sound like the paranoid fantasies of some 60 year old ex-marine who is convinced that those damn kids are out doing the "wikki wikki with the hoopdy"

And you guys missed a few, such as my old favorite, "Getting Polio". That one was used with the "Skull Crusher" weed.

They got off cheap

'Blue Stuff' fined by the FTC and warned by the FDA

In a complaint filed Monday in federal district court in Oklahoma City, the FTC alleged Blue Stuff, McClung Advertising Inc. and their president, McClung, made unsubstantiated claims in their infomercials that the topical creams relieve "severe" pain.

The infomercials -- as well as brochures and a company Web site -- claim the creams provide significant or complete relief of severe pain, such as "excruciating sciatic nerve pain," pain from "crushed vertebrae" and "awful" pain cause by a brain tumor, the FTC said.

Vultures like these continually prey on those who are looking for help. If you have any of the listed conditions, you will do just about anything to make the pain go away. So far, there has been no indication that this product hurt anyone, but countless other frauds do.

Master your view

Before there was an internet

There will be a test

Interesting Bill Gates timeline

Not that funny, but great production values

Priceless Commercial.

The Sucks

One problem with both SNL and MAD TV is the bands they pick. The Strokes were on tonight on MAD TV. I think they should be called The Sucks. I am only saying this because they suck.

Seriously. MAD TV even knows they suck. They cut off their first "song" for a commercial and their second "song" for credits. The quotes around the word song also indicate how much I believe they suck.

And don't get me started on the White Stripes, the Hives and the Vines.

Switching to SNL won't help. Over there you have Nelly, who I will call Suckky. (Email me if you get that one).

I am going to have to go listen to a Knack record to get that crap out of my head. I suggest you do the same.

Just in case you can't locate your 45 of Good Girls Don't, here are the lyrics:

Good Girls Don't - The Knack

She's your adolescent dream
School boy stuff
A sticky sweet romance
And she makes you want to scream
Wishing you could get inside her pants
So you fantasize away
While you're squeezing her
You thought you heard her say

Good girls don't, I should be telling you
Good girls don't, I should be telling you
Good girls don't, but I do

So you call her on the phone
To talk about the teachers that you hate
And she say's she's all alone
And her parents' won't be coming home 'til late
There's a ringing in your brain
'Cuz you coulda swore
You thought you heard her saying


And it's a teenage sadness
Everyone has got to taste
An in-between age madness
That you know you can't erase
'Til she's sitting on your face (3rd verse)

You're alone with her at last
And you're waitin' 'til you think the time is right
'Cuz you heard she's pretty fast
And you're hopin' that she'll give you some tonight
So you start to make your play
'Cuz you coulda swore you thought you heard her saying


*repeat 3rd verse


(lyrics lifted from lyricsxp.com)

Why MAD TV is better than SNL

It's on earlier and the sketches get cut off when they are supposed to, not five minutes later.

They also just showed me David Alan Grier as Ed Bradley beating the hell out of Eminem for disrespecting him.

He also went upside Andy Rooney for calling him a negro.

That Ed Bradley don't take no shit from no one.

Get Laid and Get Paid

Apply to become a condom tester

What America wants to know

Where can I find information on varmint hunting?

Where can I see photographs of teenagers?

Where can I find the home sales Web site Homes.com?

Is Jeeves gay?

(From askjeeves.com)

Can't stop laughing

The Onion has some great Man in the Street opinion polls every week. The current issue is concerning the Republicans taking over the Senate.

(via dissociatedpress.net)


GNN has released the uncensored version of the White America video.

My City Was Gone

Remember going to Disneyland as a kid? A lot of what you rode and saw is not there anymore. Visit Yesterland to see what has been razed. They cover the other Disney properties as well.

Now I will never get my chance to go through inner space while high.

What will they think of next?

I greatly enjoy playing the Grand Theft Auto series of video games, especially the new release, Vice City. There are times when my computer and tv are occupied doing other things and I cannot play. Those are sad times.

Thanks to Homies dolls, I can knock over gang members and hotties any time I want. I am getting a set for my cubicle.

Now if I can just find a little hammer...

More from the "duh" channel

Soft drink consumers less likely to get recommended amounts of vitamins and minerals

A University of Missouri consumer economist, analyzing the results of a national food survey, found that people significantly increased their chances of being deficient in the recommended daily allowances (RDA) for common vitamins and minerals when they consumed a lot of sugared drinks.

Sugar water doesn't have vitamins and minerals? Alert the media!

Oh, wait, he did. This guy got paid to figure that out?


Edward Goodwin's blog has a few links that I would like to tell you about:

Unreal Tounament 2003 review

...fun, fast, and the graphics are absolutely gorgeous. The maps are insanely well laid out, the characters move with a natural, smooth, and slightly cartoon, action movie, style. My only real complaint is that it seems to me that the weapons are all heavy damage, slow firing weapons. They don't seem to have any speed to them. When you aim at someone, it takes awhile for the weapons to warm up and then fire, and then there is a lag time for them to warm up again. What this means is that your accuracy is off if you're not used to the weapons and their fire times. It also makes the sniper weapons harder to use in my opinion.

I was all set to buy this when it came out, since I have spent countless hours playing UT. I downloaded the demo and decided I didn't need it right away. It certainly looks a lot better than the original, going for a more Q3 shiny look. The people and weapons are bulkier and harder to control. I am looking to buy this after it hits the $25-30 price point. Good to see someone else had that opinion on the weapons.

Pooh fight

Disney is trying everything in the book to keep a product that brings in 1/6 of it's revenues.

And, for the bloggers in the house, a DIY "I Love __________" sign held by a topless woman. Perfect for convincing your readers that naked chicks like your site.(NSFW).


The Japan Times just published an editorial that talks about a study into how your spouse responds to your back injury affects your level of pain.

The article echoes how I think a lot of us who have a medical condition feel. We are always looking for the latest research into how to "fix" ourselves. On the face of it, this new information would lead me to tell my wife to not be so visibly concerned about my various complaints. But is it just more pap from scientists trying to get their names in the papers?

Meanwhile, I will keep reading the stories, looking for the magic breakthrough that will cure all of my ills with the minimum of effort on my part. And I will keep doing my exercises.

Skip the drive-thru and do it twice

Male PMS?

Are you a man who is feeling irritable, depressed and bloated? Well, those are symptoms related to a condition called "irritable male syndrome," which may affect millions of men.

Fats and carbohydrates block the body's ability to use testosterone proteins, and eating unprocessed foods can help. Gillespie suggested a diet of approximately 300 to 500 calories about five times a day will keep testosterone and insulin levels smooth.

Fascist Fashion

While I am quite proud of our fine midwestern riot police,

I think these Chinese riot cops look much more menacing.

There appears to be a riot gear gap. We must redouble our efforts!

I'm the bad guy?

Wil Forbis' excellent review of Falling Down. If you want to find out how never to pay too much for a can of coke, watch this movie.

Japanese wackiness, part 4

These are meary stickers:

This is the meary project, where the stickers are put onto inanimate objects to appear like eyes.

(via b3ta)

From the "Duh" Channel

Parenting experts approve the ultimate weapon

It's OK for parents to play the "because I said so" card, writes Suzanne Perez Tobias from Kansas.

My wife and I do not have children, we have pets. This means the "because I said so" only gets us a blank stare and a request for more food.

When did a parent's authority become so usurped? It seems as though every 12 year old has a phone, tv and a computer with an internet connection and a webcam in their rooms. You can no longer tell a child to be quiet. Ill mannered children run amock in public places, their guardians oblivious to the mayhem caused by their spawn.

"I said so, now do it."

Parents, please say that to your children. The world will be a better place.

Note: This is a "classic" entry from August. I recently spent what seemed like an eternity on an airplane with two devil spawn with an oblivious mother. So I felt there was a need to get this out there again. I also heard an ad on the radio that mentioned you should spend more time being your kid's parent and less time being their friend.


The following movies are criminally underrated:

Last Action Hero (VHS | DVD) - Arnold at his self-depreciating best. You get gratuitous catch phrases, danny de vito as the voice of a cartoon cat and a wonderful Bergman homage.

Hudson Hawk (VHS | DVD) - Bruce Willis as a singing cat burglar. It is really a hell of a lot better than that makes it sound. High points include the Pope watching Mr. Ed, a ball chomping dog and learning what Italian security guards eat for lunch.

The Chase (VHS) - Charlie Sheen, in a comic masterpiece that is not available on DVD, stars in an epic road movie that lets us into the psyche of a troubled young man. Wrongly accused of a crime, he goes on the lam by carjacking Kristy Swanson. Antics include Henry Rollins as a cop being filmed for "COPS", Anthony Keidis and Flea as morons with a monster truck and a demonstration of how to use a car lighter as a weapon. Did I mention Kristy Swanson is in this?

Basic Back Care

Don�t let pain stab you in the back is a great primer on what can cause back pain and some ways to mitigate it. While mainly a commercial for Physical Therapy, it touches on a lot for a short article.

I did not know this

Static Can Trigger Explosive Fires At Gas Pumps

It happened because customers went back in their cars while filling up. Experts said as you slide off your seat and go back outside, you build up a static charge, and if the nozzle is the first thing touched, the static charge can spark a fire.

So what happens if you find flames coming out of your tank? Experts said the best thing to do is keep the nozzle in the tank because the fire will go out. If you remove the nozzle though, the fire will follow the gasoline, and you, and everything around you will be badly burned.

Free Coke at Target

Free 20 oz. Coke at Target coupon is back on their site. Enjoy!

Outpatient back surgery for sciatic pain

Using minimally invasive lumbar microdiscectomy, this doctor is able to get you out of the hospital the same day and greatly reduce the at-home recovery time. As someone who spent 3 days in the hospital and a month recovering, I like the sound of it.

In the new surgical procedure, a small incision is made in the spine, and a port or cylinder is inserted. It splits the muscle as it makes its way in, and enlarges to give the surgeon a workable space. From there, the pressure is removed from the nerve.

In the older procedure, a larger incision would be made and the muscle would be moved and peeled away from the bone. This is the reason for the longer recovery time and after-surgery pain.

Of course, the new surgery is not for everyone. The best candidate has a standard disk problem, and is of average weight. Certain situations, like being very overweight can hinder the procedure.

I have had back surgeries and this site helps to distract me from the pain. When I am finding cool sites and ranting, I feel better.

Would acupuncture help with the symptoms of sciatica or would any other complementary medical solutions be worth considering?

I have found it helpful to do the stretching exercises my physical therapist recommends. Do some core strengthening exercises, such as the ones highlighted at The Mayo Clinic. By keeping your core strong, your back won't put itself in a position to cause that sciatica pain you are having.

This book, Back Pain: What You Need to Know (Johns Hopkins), is very good and inexpensive; regardless of what the review on amazon says.

Good luck and try to stay off the pills (unless you really, really need them!)

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i don't need holes through my nipples to be cool.

correlation does not translate into causality

"To say my country, right or wrong, is something no patriot would say except in dire emergency; it is like saying, 'my mother, drunk or sober.'" - G.K. Chesterton

You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.

I am all hopped up on goofballs. Powered by Blogger Pro!

"... I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in morse code..."