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Sometimes the jokes write themselves
On 20/20 this evening they had a small piece on how evil Harry Potter is. I think it is because of Satan or something.
The books are the least of the alarmists' problems. What do you do when your kid says they want the Harry Potter Vibrator?
These are some of the reviews from the amazon.com site:
When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too! I reccomend this for all children.
My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :)
Hours of fun, indeed.
*Update 4/24/2011. Removed dead link to the Nimbus 2000. While searching for a good link, I noticed that I appear to have scooped boingboing on this by a few days, eight and a half years ago...
KWIJYBO
During a typically inane John & Ken show I was listening to on my drive home, they used the term "hostage money."
This was during speculation that a recent child abduction was committed by a family member rather than some perv. The term was used thusly:
Where is the demand for hostage money? In a kidnapping, there is usually a demand for hostage money.
I could not figure out to what they were referring. Then, it hit me.
RANSOM
The google search for ransom turns up 640,000 results, indicating popular usage. There are 64 for "hostage money", and most of those are not referencing a ransom demand.
Another word comes to mind.
IDIOTS.
Oh, they found the kid and arrested the mom.
Yes, I listen to Jon and Ken. Like watching American Idol, I just can't help myself.
*Update 4/25/2011. Removed links. Like websites, radio hosts are ephemeral.
Top of the pops
Bach. Ukulele. John King.
The uke sounds like it was tuned in fifths, like a cello. Since he is playing a work written for cello, this makes sense.
If you appreciate, as in do not run screaming from, ukulele music, visit Ukulelia.
Potrzebie
There is an article in the NY Times about a fancy new vending machine. It does go into the history of vending machines, such as the automat. But, someone saw where this was going years ago...
In issue 33, June 1957, Mad Magazine has an article called "Vending Machines of the Future." Including are such oversize machines as the Auto-Vend, which dispensed new cars for only 10,000 half dollars and the wife-o-mat, which seems like a great deal at only 20 half dollars.
Finally, there is the vend-o-vend, which is the ultimate in future vending machines which dispenses a vending machine. This will in turn dispense a vending machine and so on. The final vending machine will dispense a dime for the first vending machine and the whole mess starts again...
It is good to own the Mad Magazine box set.
NY Times link found on slashdot.
*LINK NO LONGER ACTIVE - DELETE
Turn me on dead man
For the Record
We just got our turnable repaired. I had grand ambitions of ripping all our albums to mp3. In two weeks, I have only gotten through two of them. It takes a while to run them through the Clean program, but the CD's sound pretty good.
As the article above states, it is so much cheaper to get a record than spend $15 for a CD that only has three good songs on it.
To my dismay, I discovered I own a lot of really crappy albums that barely have one good song on them. Time to transfer those and trash the albums. I figure half of my "collection" can go away after that. Of course, all of my better half's albums are fantastic. We won't be throwing away any of those. I am not being sarcastic, she actually has taste in music. I am gonna miss my K-tel albums, though.
Rocksnobs.com also has a nice appreciation of the 45 that goes further into the economic value of vinyl.
Today you dance for my amusement
Now, this is a rant.
Witness an ever descending spiral of bargain hunting gone horribly wrong.
*LINK NO LONGER EXISTS - DELETE
God hates rock stars
They DIE in youth, and their life is among the unclean.
Back to teh funney
Who is Jack Schitt?
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc...
Oldie but goodie
It wasn't easy, but I won this time. You are player number 354 to have chosen Darrin Stevens from Bewitched. Darrin Stevens from Bewitched was a tough one, but I've had a lot of practice. Thanks for giving me something to do. Please visit again soon.
It also figured out I was Stalin...at least I stumped it with Arnold from Happy Days.
*Updated 11/9/2011 with new Jack Schitt link
*DELETE
Things that make you go ewwwww
The kitty litter cake below is very popular, judging from the referer logs. As one to capitulate to the will of the people, I now present the following recipes:
Puppy Chow
Cat Poop Cookies II - " These showstoppers are great at parties. For added effect, mix in coconut (tapeworms) ramen noodles (roundworms), or peanuts. You can also coat the scoop with melted chocolate for a startling effect."
There are more here at allrecipes.com.
*Removed link to Edible Puke Recipe. No longer live. 11/9/2011
*DELETE
Why would anyone even consider doing this in the first place?
Kitty Litter Cake
1 SPICE or GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE MIX
1 WHITE CAKE MIX
1 pkg WHITE SANDWICH COOKIES
1 large pkg VANILLA INSTANT PUDDING MIX
GREEN FOOD COLORING
12 small TOOTSIE ROLLS
1 new KITTY LITTER BOX
1 new KITTY LITTER BOX LINER
1 new POOPER SCOOPER
- Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).
- Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.
- Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.
- To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.
- When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.
- Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box.
- Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly.
- Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture.
- Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.
- Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, 3 at a time, in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs.
- Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around.
- Serve with a new pooper scooper.
I found this on boingboing.
* 11/9/2011 Changed link to Allrecipes.com. Tripod one was dead.
*DELETE
It's just really fascinating news, folks. Good night!
Imagine Rob Cockerham, from cockeyed.com, after he has spent a couple of years over at misc.fitness.weights. If that sounds intruiging, then you should visit the treehouse; if only to see the Visible Barbie Project. There is also a blog and a recipe for Low-carb Almond Poppyseed muffins.
He is also apparently responsible for Jakob Nielsen's worst nightmare aside from Flash. Wait, Jakob loves Flash now. So, this would be his worst nightmare. Glad I got that straightened out.
Note: the purpose of this post was to poke fun at the overly serious web buffoon Jakob Nielsen. You get the Trygve site as a bonus.
Stolen from Dissociated Presszilla
I can see it now...
Him: Honey, I want you to marry me, here's a ring... it was my mom.
Her: Yes, yes! And your mother's ring! It's beautiful!
Him: Her ring? No, no... the ring was my mom. She's the diamond, just look how she sparkles!
Her: Ewwwww! (Runs away.)
Now that's funny. Best comment ever about the whole cremains/diamond thing.
circus of worthless pawns
Eminem - "White America!" is a great music video. Please watch it. It is one of the few times I have seen flash used so well (admittedly, I don't get out much, though.)
The video "places the viewer in the body of Eminem as he moves through the media-drenched environment that is the subject for his critique of American society." More info on the making of the video at GNN.
When I was first learning photoshop, I would go to phong.com. That guy was one of the artists on the video.
What a liar
Employees at Subway berated by owner for giving free water to firefighters during big fire
After much criticism...
Owner backsteps very quickly.
"It's a terrible miscommunication," Robert Beblavy (the owner) said Tuesday. "Looking at everything that transpired, I think my employees did a good job."
Three workers said Monday that Beblavy told them they would have to pay for the $34 of water they gave firefighters on the already sultry Friday night.
Beblavy said Monday the employees shouldn't have given water away at his expense. Tuesday, he said he'd pay for the water.
"I never said I wouldn't," he said. "I'm very proud of being a community player."
Beblavy said he didn't say he would pay for the water Monday because he wanted to speak to the employees before making any decisions.
This person is a moron. He is capable of owning a business, so you would think he would have some sort of smarts. But, no.
I hope the good people who franchise Subway restaurants do something to him. He completely humiliated his employees, who were only acting human.
Bolognium?
Skinner:"We can buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Meyer."
Krabappel:"Who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium?"
Martin: "Ooh ... delicious?"
Krabappel: "Correct. I would also accept snacktacular."
Principal Skinner won't have to spend a penny to get a spiffy new Periodic Table and neither will you. Just go fill out a short questionnaire, and they send you a FREE copy of their new periodic table of the elements wall poster.
From the "Duh" Channel
Parenting experts approve the ultimate weapon
It's OK for parents to play the "because I said so" card, writes Suzanne Perez Tobias from Kansas.
My wife and I do not have children, we have pets. This means the "because I said so" only gets us a blank stare and a request for more food.
When did a parent's authority become so usurped? It seems as though every 12 year old has a phone, tv and a computer with an internet connection and a webcam in their rooms. You can no longer tell a child to be quiet. Ill mannered children run amock in public places, their guardians oblivious to the mayhem caused by their spawn.
"I said so, now do it."
Parents, please say that to your children. The world will be a better place.
Inconsiderate Bastard
Some assclown over at metafilter has posted the results of tonight's American Idol. This was posted way before the show aired on the West Coast. This person is either an idiot or gets off messing with other people. Thanks for nothing, you moron.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
You are the man
I have already stated my position on the whole "You are the man" thing. I disagree with it wholeheartedly.
But, when I hear Christopher Walken say it, I have to admit, it does sound cool.
I am new to the whole soundboard thing, but the people over at unrealisticexpectations have a whole lot of really good ones. If you are ever jonesin' to hear Ralph Wiggum say "My cat's breath smells like cat food." or Bruce Campbell discussing his BOOMSTICK, I would suggest you go there.
The rest of the story
Raid went to 'hell in a handbasket'
Officers say Kmart bust was flubbed
Police were interested in the spot's role as a race staging area, where young drivers admire one another's vehicles, then go to other nearby locations to race, said one of the supervisors.
The two supervisors said police had "scout cars" and undercover officers working surveillance at the gathering spot for weeks in preparation for Sunday's raid.
"But we got out there, and no one was racing," said one of the supervisors. "So Aguirre just said, `Arrest them all for trespass.'
"It was like, `Kill them all and let God sort them out,' " said the other supervisor. "I guess we're just lucky he didn't order us to fire warning shots into the crowd or anything."
More
Nice to know that it was just a good old all american fuck up and not anything sinister.
Those Wacky Americans
Message to 12,000 A.D.
I highlighted some funny signs earlier. These signs are deadly serious. We are putting poison in the earth and we need to warn whatever people are left about the danger. How do you communicate to someone who won't speak your language? This is similar to the Pioneer Plaque, but the audience this time, hopefully, is human.
Link stolen from http://www.kleene-star.net. Thank you!
CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX!
I knew it...
The curfew starts tonight...
A crowd of angry teenagers and their parents are accusing police of jailing many innocent bystanders during a raid on a west Houston parking lot where youths apparently congregate. About 425 people were arrested for criminal trespassing after business owners' complaints, but some of the youths say they were just there to shop or eat at a drive-in and have receipts to prove it.
...all the patrons at the Sonic were ordered by police to march to the Kmart lot, where they joined throngs of other people who were being arrested...
Raid on 24-hour Kmart lot
The message boards over at KTRK-TV in Houston and their take on the story.
Metafilter also has a big argument about it.
The stories don't have a full police/kmart/sonic side of the story, but I find it hard to believe they can come up with any reasonable justification for this kind of behavior. Most places that try to discourage loitering post signs about having "30 minute parking for customers only," etc. Others have private security. I am all for keeping public order and telling those damn kids to quiet down, but I have not seen a legitimate reason to perform a mass arrest.
How the really intelligent spend their time
Along the lines of the cockeyed.com experiments, these folks decided to test the limits of what the US Postal Service would deliver. And now, the Annals of Improbable Research presents HOT AIR: Postal Experiments.
Read Jerkcity? Read Memepool? Then you will love this. I believe this comic can also apply to metafilter.
Do not click the link if you are easily offended, as Jerkcity is not for those with delicate sensibilities.
Those Wacky Japanese
 
More Humorous Signs
Link from beltorchicca (Japanese weird & cute things)
Pointless Nostalgia
I sometimes wonder how I ended up the way I am (none of your business how I am exactly). I believe what I watched on TV growing up had some influence.
The latest medical poop
Is Placebonin right for you? Ask your doctor.
For more product related fun, visit the good folks who created the above picture.
As a player of a lot of online multiplayer games, I have fallen victim to aimbots, campers and been passed on a turn at 300mph.
This site is setup to attract those cheaters.
http://www.multiplayercheats.net/
:)
Thanks for the link, D-Intimidator. See ya on the track.
For those of us who are still scarred by John Cusack's recent romantic comedies (America's Sweethearts and Serendipity), this is a reminder of why we like him so much.
By choosing to go an independent route as opposed to pursuing industry blockbusters John played his ace card and presented himself as a real actor. Did it pay off? Hell, yeah! For instance, find me an actor that wouldn't personally fellate the Incredible Hulk for a part in a Woody Allen movie. Well, in the mid nineties John landed parts in two such movies, "Shadows and Fog" and "Bullets Over Broadway" with nary a trace of Hulk-jizz on his chin.
Read more about it.
Everything in this store from the honey glazed cauliflower to the chocko blasted baby asprin comes from the Mother Loving Sugar Corporation.
 When I was a kid, I was addicted to the Guinness Book of World Records. The stories of the fastest, tallest and shortest fascinated me. The pictures were freaky. The one that stuck with me was the one of Robert Hughes, the world's fattest man (at the time).
Now, the crown has passed to others and Robert Hughes is only #8 on the list (The story that he was buried in a packing case made for a grand piano is untrue). Visit The 900 Club to read the entire list. WARNING: some of the pictures on this page are disturbing.
Experiment of Shape
using magnetic fluid
A lot of scientific mumbo jumbo that makes beautiful things.
For a more hands on demonstration with a lot of great photos and a movie of this effect, go here.
Viewing Japanese Prints
C'mon, it's Friday. You're not gonna get any real work done anyway. Lose yourself in some cool artwork. This guy put an awful lot of work into his site.
I really like this one.
from the favorites file (I think originally via metafilter)
How to REALLY Clean a Toilet
Googie Architecture.
What has been puzzling folks, courtesy of http://www.askjeeves.com/docs/peek/
How can I tell if I'm pregnant?
What is Ask Jeeves?
Where can I find the Web site for the company Dodge?
Where can I get a counseling from an online Ouija board?
Where can I learn about the eye condition black eye?
Where can I buy albums by Eminem?
What happened today on the soap opera Days of Our Lives?
I fear for the republic.
I also discovered that people use search engines for things other than finding porn.
From Wil Wheaton Dot Net
We'd thought about it for months, ever since I'd heard the rumors online. Of course, I tend to not put a whole lot of stock in what I read online...if I did I'd be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of hot teen bitches who want to get naked for me right now, and I'd be rolling in Nigerian money.
I really liked his work in Stand By Me and he didn't annoy me that much as Wesley Crusher. I saw his link from Fark a while back and read him sporadically. This post of his, about being cut from the latest Star Trek movie, is brilliant. I realize now that if I don't read him on a more regular basis, I will suffer for it.
Enforcer Mosaic
Dictator Rate
Bloater Wade
Seltzer Heavyweight
Crazed Cam In Landing
Arrivals Fires
Venom Lynx
Chauffeur Pork
Over During
Megabytes Loudspeaker
Dyers Fatherland
Chum Rebuttal Pastures
Situation Zodiac
Snoopy Prospectus
Broth Diagnoses
Dolly Flashers
Kitchen Welfare Pacification
From the Ten Thousand Statistically Grammar-Average Fake Band Names Page.
Every bad bumper sticker you have ever seen, and a couple of good ones.
I really don't understand how they do this, but as an Escher fan, I am totally loving it.
Escher and the Droste effect
They have animations that take you inside the pictures. I have only seen a few, but they are amazing. I am going back for more. See ya!
Movie Time
I keep seeing my secret stash of great old films being posted, so I figured I should join the bandwagon and let you in on it as well.
The Internet Archive at archive.org. You don't need broadband, but you do need to cast your mind back to the days of yore, when attitudes were a little different. A sample of the films you will find:
Word to the Wives, A ca. 1955
Producer: Telamerica, Inc.
Sponsor: American Gas Association, National Association of Home Builders, and The Woman's Home Companion
How two women trick a husband into buying a new kitchen.
Descriptors: Consumerism; Gender roles
Run time: 12:41 Color/B&W: C Silent/Sound: Sd
Download: DiVX 4.11 19587.avi (42.4 MB) VCD 19587.mpg (140.8 MB) MPEG-2 19587.mpg (321.7 MB)
Streaming: DSL/Cable Dialup
They also have the funniest movie I have seen in a while. If you make, sell or buy things for a living, you will want to show this one to the boys in marketing. I am sure they will actually use some of this. My company uses something very similar...
"Your Name Here" Story, The ca. 1960
Producer: Calvin Communications
Sponsor: Calvin Communications
The ultimate generic industrial film, built around every script and visual cliche.
Descriptors: Motion pictures: Production; Motion pictures: Sponsored; Humor
Run time: 10:10 Color/B&W: C Silent/Sound: Sd
Download: DiVX 4.11 01681.avi (32.1 MB) VCD 01681.mpg (106 MB) MPEG-2 01681.mpg (280.9 MB)
Streaming: DSL/Cable Dialup
BEST MOVIE EVER
Put down the camera and HELP ME!
I know this is all over the place by now, but just in case you haven't seen it, there is a photo essay on 9/11 using digital photos taken by a guy who was killed when the 2nd tower came down.
I like the story. It is a good story. It is not a sad story. What I like most of all is that the word "hero" is not mentioned once. That is what makes it real. To have called him a hero would have been wrong and detracted from the amazing pictures. He was photographing heroes. He wasn't helping. I would like to know the rationale he had for not helping these people. I would think that being a human being would outweigh being a journalist in a situation like this, but, obviously I am wrong.
To paraphrase Bobcat, "If you ever see me getting covered by a falling building, put down the camera and come help me!"
Words and Pictures combined to Mirthful Effect!
Chickenhead.com also has great desktop wallpaper.
Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends
The computer -- it can read my mind
Another one that is somehow watching me
And when you get tired of your computer messing with you, mess with other people
Is this your card?
Empty Praise
I recently learned that when someone says to me, "You're the man!" I am not supposed to say thank you and walk away. Apparently, I am supposed to reply with "No, YOU are the man!"
Well, what this person has just done is had me deny that I am the man and had me validate their own man like qualities. They initiated this little exchange to force me to praise them. What the fuck is that all about?
I realize that there is a lesser used protocol that will cause the initial person to retort with a resounding "NO, you ARE the man." and then you go out for beers. I have never actually seen this, though.
PUZZLING
I am watching "Friends" and experienced a new sensation. I am laughing. I have laughed several times. I cannot recall the last time I laughed at this show. And is it just me, or have they made Joey a touch smarter?
***UPDATE***
Scrubs has once again proven itself a great show with the "What is the farting policy?" line from John's Dad and the gratuitous use of "Surrender" by Cheap Trick. That is quite possibly the finest song ever.
*Update 4/26/2011. Yes, I watched Friends and I officially made "Surrender" the finest song ever.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FLUSH!
Silly and cheezy, but I had the kind of day where I had to post this. The people I work with don't even know how to flush the goddamn toilet. This isn't just run of the mill yellow water, I am talking about serious intestinal distress. If you have just spent 15 minutes expelling some vile smelling greenish ooze, don't you think you would flush when you are done????? If only to make the stench go away. Judging from what I have stumbled across, some of these folks have some serious medical problems, so maybe they rushed right off to the hospital and couldn't be bothered to flush.
Ever have this happen? You enter the restroom, see the "gift" someone has left in the stall and decide to go to the clean stall. You do your business and FLUSH. Then, while you are going to wash your hands someone else walks in, goes towards the back, looks into the desecrated stall and you just know they think you did it.
HATS
I wish I had an extra $650.00 lying around. It would be so cool to own 12,000 hats.
*Updated 4/26/2011. Link long dead, changed to more generic search.
Bush has Physical
I am unsure why this bothers me so much, but it does. They appear to be going out of their way to assure us that Dubya is okay. "Two Thumbs Up?" "Unbelievable"? How is it unbelievable?
This is all so unrelentlessly positive, I half expect to find out that all that is really left of Our Leader is his nose.
To quote from the article:
...broad smile and a thumbs-up..putting two thumbs in the air...president's health ``unbelievable.'' ...`Feeling good,''...`Tip top.''..``in excellent health and fit for duty,''...``all data suggest that he will remain so for the duration of his presidency.'' ..top 1 percent of men his age..resting heart rate is 44..body fat of 14.5 percent..nerrvous system, heart, lungs and gastrointestinal systems were all pronounced normal...His cholesterol was 177...avid runner...committed to the benefits of exercise..devoted the better part of four days in June to fitness activities...outstanding health..(three small skin lesions....Four more lesions...precancerous actinic kind.) (pretzel) (colon screening)..Dr. Kenneth Cooper,flashed a double thumbs-up. ``Unbelievable,'' he said to reporters waiting outside during the checkup.
*Updated 4/26/2011. Removed no longer existing AP link.
I can't wait until the war is over and there is no more terrorism.
Subversion through clipart.
From the depths of the favorites folder.
*Update 4/26/2011. Yes, this is what it looks like when you discover something as cool as "Get Your War On."
Papa's Got a Brand New Badge
Homer accidentally causes an electrical blackout in Springfield, and all of the citizens begin looting the town's businesses. Chief Wiggum is useless at restoring order, so Homer takes the law into his own hands and becomes a policeman. Joe Mantegna reprises his Fat Tony role yet again. Season Finale.
Maybe it's the pain pills talking, but this was one of the finest Simpsons episodes ever. I missed it the first time and was real happy to catch the rerun. For the naysayer's out there that feel the Simpsons should pack it in, you should really watch this one. Dana Gould did a hell of a job writing this. When Homer lists all the jobs he's had (which takes nearly a minute), I was falling over.
Info from: The Simpsons Archive: Episode Guide
Things my girlfriend and I have argued about
*Link updated 4/26/2011.
They are discussing pinball machines over at metafilter. That got me to thinking about how I had my own full pinball machine when I was a kid.
I really loved playing pinball and my parents were concerned about my safety, since the pinball arcades were full of unsavory characters. Their solution was to buy one for me. There was a little window on the backglass that showed the number of games left. We used to open the back, spin it up to 99 and go to town.
It took some searching, but I found it at al's gameroom.
Frivolity
Disturbing Search Requests
If you were born before 1970, a lot of your childhood is on this site. If not, tell your Mom about this link...
Mozzarella Cheese Sticks
This was my first computer
and, finally, WIGU!
Had a busy day, all work, no play, must sleep now.
*Updated 4/24/2011. Only had to remove one link and change two. Amazing.
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i don't need holes through my nipples to be cool.
correlation does not translate into causality
"To say my country, right or wrong, is something no patriot would say except in dire emergency; it is like saying, 'my mother, drunk or sober.'" - G.K. Chesterton
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